5 common mistakes sports parents make - and what they should do instead
Parenting an athletic child is an exciting and sometimes challenging journey. You want to support your child's dreams, but it's easy to inadvertently make mistakes that can negatively impact their development and confidence. In this article, we'll look at five common mistakes sports parents make and provide options on how to act instead.
By: Tommy Davidovic | Cert. Coach (CPCC, PCC, CTPC) & Mental Trainer.
All parents want what's best for their children, but in an effort to be supportive, we can sometimes do more harm than good. Sports experiences are great for children's development - they learn about teamwork, discipline and overcoming adversity. But parental involvement can, in all good intentions, lead to stress and reduced self-confidence in children. By identifying and addressing these common mistakes, you can help your child have a more positive and rewarding sports experience.
1. asks "How did it go?"
When your child comes home from a competition or training session, it is natural to ask, "How did it go?" Although this question seems innocent, it can put the focus on the result rather than the experience. It can lead to the child feeling pressure and anxiety to perform well instead of focusing on their development and having fun.
Why is this a mistake?
Constantly asking about the result can make the athlete feel that their value is linked to their performance. This can lead to performance anxiety and fear of failure. When they believe that their parents' love and approval is dependent on them always performing well, it can create an unhealthy pressure. This anxiety can negatively affect their performance and make them reluctant to participate in sport at all.
Alternative action
Instead of focusing on the result, try to ask about their experience and feeling. Questions like "How did it feel to play?" or "What did you enjoy most today?" will help them reflect on their own feelings and experiences rather than just the result. It is important to show that you value their effort and experience more than the end result.
Positive effects
By changing your focus, you show that there are other things that are important than just the results, which helps your child take a broader perspective that removes the "you are what you achieve" and opens up to feeling more joy in the activity. The child will feel more relaxed and supported, which can lead to them enjoying the sport more and being more motivated to continue. This then also opens up to seeing results for what they are, a potential side effect of the process.
2. confirms good outcome/result
It feels natural to praise your child when they perform well, but overemphasizing positive results can have unexpected consequences.
Why is this problematic?
When parents only praise positive outcomes, children learn that they receive attention and affirmation as a direct link to their results. This can create a fear of failure and reduce their willingness to take risks and challenge themselves. The child may become afraid to try new things or take initiatives that they are not sure will succeed, for fear of not receiving the recognition they are used to.
Alternative action
Instead of focusing on the result, acknowledge the effort and input. Say things like "I saw how hard you worked out there" or "I'm proud of how you fought." This helps the child understand that their value is not tied to whether they win or lose, but to their commitment and effort.
Positive effects
By praising the effort, you teach your child to appreciate the process and see the value in hard work, which can lead to a more long-lasting motivation and perseverance. The child will be more willing to try again, even if they fail, because they know that their effort and work is what really matters.
3. trying to "fix" or change the child's feelings
As a parent, you want to protect your child from pain and disappointment, but trying to 'fix' their feelings can be counterproductive.
Why is this a mistake?
When you try to solve your child's problems, you take away their opportunity to learn how to manage their own emotions and develop important coping mechanisms. The child needs to learn that all emotions, both positive and negative, are part of life and that it is normal to feel disappointed or sad sometimes.
Alternative action
Listen actively and show empathy without trying to provide solutions. Questions like "Do you want to talk about it?" or "How do you feel about what happened?" give the child space to express their feelings and find their own solutions. It is important to be a supportive presence and let the child know that it is okay to feel down sometimes. Above all, let them process their feelings at their own pace, not your pace.
Positive effects
By allowing your child to manage their own emotions, you are helping them to develop emotional intelligence and independence, which are valuable skills throughout life. The child learns that they can handle difficult situations and emotions, which will strengthen their ability to deal with challenges in the future.
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4. trying to "protect" against what can be difficult
It is understandable to want to protect your child from negative experiences, but this can hinder their personal development.
Why is this harmful?
Protecting the child from all negative experiences prevents them from learning to deal with setbacks and disappointments. This can lead to fragile self-esteem and an unwillingness to take risks. All people need to learn that the world is not always fair and that failure is part of life.
Alternative action
Teach your child to deal with setbacks and disappointments on their own. Help them see challenges as ways forward and provide support without taking over the situation. Encourage them to see every failure as an opportunity to learn and grow while acknowledging that it can also be hard - but that it's okay to be that way.
Positive effects
By encouraging your child to face difficulties, you will help them develop resilience and a strong inner strength, which is crucial for their future success. The child will become more independent and be able to face life's challenges with a positive attitude and not only associate difficult things as something negative.
5. judges/evaluates results and decisions of referees, coaches and teammates
It can be frustrating to see referees, coaches or teammates make mistakes, but judging these decisions out loud in front of your child can be destructive.
Why is this destructive?
Judging and evaluating others' decisions and performances puts the focus on things we cannot control and can lead to children not taking responsibility for their own play. Whether judging others' decisions and performances openly or in the car after the competition, this teaches your child to find reasons why something didn't go their way. Although the comment "It was the referee's fault" or "it was because your teammates didn't suit you" may be tempting to say, but it slowly builds a so-called mental laziness where we as humans spend more time making excuses for our setbacks, rather than taking responsibility for our own part in them and developing because of them.
Alternative action
Encourage the child to respect the decisions of others and focus on their own game. Encourage them to get creative and look at their own process and what they can actually learn to adapt their approach to generate different outcomes. But most importantly, talk and make them understand that things don't always turn out the way we want them to despite doing everything you could. Talk about taking pride in the process, the execution and the confidence that if they keep fighting, it will deliver positive outcomes more times than not.
Positive effects
By focusing on what can be controlled and respecting the decisions of others, you will help your child develop a more positive attitude and a stronger sense of responsibility. They will learn to deal with situations where they are not in full control, and that it is their own effort that really counts.
Concluding words
Being a sports parent is no easy task, but by being aware of these common mistakes and how to avoid them, you can give your child a more positive and fulfilling sports experience. Reflect on your own behavior and how it affects your child. Keep in mind that you play an important role in their sporting journey and that your support and involvement can make a huge difference.
If you want to go deeper and learn more about the best age for children and youth athletes to start mental training, you can read this article.
For those who want to learn more about mental training and my method The Flow Mindset, I would like to recommend my free webinar: How to unlock your performance and happiness. In it, I address 4 beliefs that prevent most people from achieving maximum performance and happiness in their lives. Here you can see when the next opportunity to join is available!
About the author
Tommy Davidovic
Cert. Coach (CPCC, PCC, CTPC) & Mental Trainer who helps athletes get guaranteed change and results fast. Creator of the Flow Mindset method that has helped athletes around the world break their old records and made competition fun again.
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